Cheesebadger’s Fake News: Gay Citizens of South Bahatchawee Forced To Eat Owls Alive At Gunpoint
“I’ll never forget the squawking.” Says Bruce Monteford, one of 3 South Bahatchawee residents who recently went through a harrowing ordeal this past week.
“I was using Growler to find some cool guys to hang out with, maybe have a drink or two, and perhaps later a [expletive deleted], because that’s what I’m into. But right as the guy pulled out his [expletive deleted] after [expletive deleted] in my mouth, he reached into a bag. I thought perhaps he was grabbing a toy, or something similar, but then I heard the hooting… Oh god the hooting.”
Bruce Monteford is the third local South Bahatchaweean to be victimized in this way. Reports from the other two victims all confirm that a man, vaguely resembling a balding Adam Scott, first initiated oral sex upon meeting, and soon forced them both to consume a Great Horned Owl alive, at gunpoint. One victim, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say about his brutal attack;
“At first I was confused. I wondered why he had the owl in his backpack? How did he even get it there? Then I saw the gun. He aimed it at my genitals, and demanded I eat the owl. I pleaded with him but he was relentless, and hit me with the pistol. He made me eat the owl, from the feet up, so it lived longer. I felt so disgusted and violated, and so sorry for the poor owl. The constant stream of owl feces didn’t help either. It was the most excruciating thing i’ve ever experienced in my life.”
The previous, and as of yet, third victim has declined to make any statement, but Bruce Monteford and our anonymous man’s confession are more than enough to paint a startling picture. Somewhere out there, is a man praying on the homosexual community, presumably with access to a stable of Great Horned Owls. The EPA is currently working with the local South Bahatchawee Police Department to narrow down a list of suspects, as Great Horned Owls are currently on the endangered species list, and access to them, outside of the wild, is rare.
“Barring a rogue owl breeder, we pretty much have all local owl aviaries locked down. All the current owls are accounted for, so if any more go missing we’ll know.” Says EPA agent Scott Vapperelli.
While Bruce Monteford currently undergoes psychological rehabilitation for his mentally traumatizing experience, the perpetrator of these bizarre crimes goes on undetected. The question now only remains, how many more owls will be forced to suffer at the hands of this victimizer? And just who is he? Who?
- Adam Popovich writes for No Fucking Newspaper anywhere. You can read his blog right here. On it he writes more Fake News like this article, as well as other, weirder fiction.